It’s me again.
Yes, my blogging is inconsistent. Yes, it’s after midnight and I have a sore throat and should certainly be asleep right now. But sometimes you just gotta write a little because you know God is up to something and you know He asked you to. So, here we go again…
I just recently finished graduate school, started a new full time job, and made a decision to move out of my current (and wonderful) house. It’s safe to say that transition is happening and I have seen a really clear end to a specific season and have just started stepping into what is next. My last year has been marked by a couple of themes which could be described with words like stretching, deepening, humbling, hurting, challenging, full, and beautifully divine. And at last, I sense that chapter being closed and I’m beginning to see the purpose and preparation that was tucked into every nook and cranny of this last year as I’ve begun to step into the newness of what’s next. Though I can’t say I know exactly what is next or what God has in store, I feel ready. Not just ready, but expectant. Expectant for the astonishing dichotomy that is a life lived with and for Jesus: refinement and refreshing, longing and fulfillment, tangible and abstract, joy and pain. Thankfully, He always gives us what we need for each new step– and I think that’s exactly what He did for me tonight.
Tonight, I felt like God pulled me up into His lap, gazed deeply into my eyes and said, “Hey. Listen.” I wasn’t really expecting it or even looking for it, but He grabbed my attention anyway and the sweetness and subtlety of it drew me in.
In His lap, He pulled me close. In His lap– the most warm, safe, peaceful, and loving place I’ve ever been or ever will be– I heard Him say, “Hey. Listen. I want to tell you something.” And then He proceeded to sweetly and tenderly reveal to me many places in which I have not been the woman He created me to be. He pointed out some selfishness and some insensitivity. He showed me a lot of insecurity (which seems to always be followed closely by fear). He opened my eyes a little bit wider and allowed me to recognize the damage that is done by a prideful and judgmental heart. He convicted me and allowed me to see where I’ve simply not been the woman He says I am. And you know how I felt afterwards? I felt just GOLDEN.
There was no condemnation. There was no shame. Instead, I felt filled with a fresh sense of faith and hope. I felt sure that what is inside of me really is pure gold because God says so and because He calls it out of me. I was completely humbled that God could and does love me so much that He doesn’t just choose me in spite of my flaws– but He actually calls me and literally pulls me out of the mess of all my flaws and He genuinely sees me as wholly beautiful, worthy, and valued. He sees into the depths of me and He says it’s all valuable. He helps me see it in myself and He helps me see it in other people. He does this over and over and over again– and if that’s not real love, then I don’t know what is.
I’m going to bed tonight a little bit more refined than I was yesterday– and even though I may instinctively try to avoid being refined a lot of times– it is actually the most beautiful, refreshing, and freeing thing in the whole world. I truly hope I learn to live a life that is marked more and more by refinement, repentance, and growth. I’m convinced again tonight that every yes to Him is worth it.